A 'no' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'yes' merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble. - Mahatma Gandhi
learning to say no counteracts a lifetime of indoctrination
Being assertive means having the self-confidence to express your needs and wants, and pursue your own ends, even in the face of opposition.
Assertiveness is declaring your point of view and not feeling
Assertiveness is declaring your point of view and not feeling as if you need others’ approval or validation.
As you learn to be more assertive, your mindset will change. You’ll become more willing to share your ideas with others. You’ll be more inclined to ask for things you need and want. You’ll be less hesitant to express your opinions, and more ready to speak up for those who are unable or unwilling to speak up for themselves.
Aggressiveness is often an impulse. An aggressive person responds in a hostile or inconsiderate manner, and often regrets doing so later. By contrast, assertiveness is planned, thoughtful, and considerate. An assertive person communicates his or her position with clarity while taking the other person’s feelings into account.
when offense is taken in these circumstances, it usually stems from the requestor’s insecurities. He or she internalizes the word “no” as a personal rejection. It stings, which prompts the reaction.
Disappointment springs from unmet expectations.
Suppose a coworker asks for your help, but you’re already overwhelmed by your own responsibilities. So you rebuff the request. Your coworker becomes visibly disappointed by your refusal to help. But is his or her disappointment truly your fault? Or did your coworker approach you with unrealistic - and perhaps even unfair - expectations regarding your ability and willingness to offer help? The latter scenario is almost certainly the case unless you had previously promised to help your coworker. That being true, you cannot be held responsible for his or her disappointment.
Most of us care how others perceive us. We want to be thought of as good, caring, helpful individuals. To that end, we go out of our way to appear so through our actions.
Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s necessary. The problem is, if you’re constantly saying yes to other people, putting their priorities ahead of your own, you won’t have the time or energy to care for yourself. And you’ll slowly become irritated, cynical, and miserable.
Burdened with a low self-image, we mistakenly believe our time is worth less than others’ time. We wrongly assume our goals and interests are inferior to other people’s goals and interests. We perceive our value to the world as somehow less than the value offered by those around us.
The good news is that saying no can actually improve your sense of self-worth. The more you do it, the more you’ll come to realize that your time, commitments, and aspirations are just as important as those of the requestor.
learning to say no with purpose and poise will actually improve your status in the eyes of your friends, family members, and coworkers. You’ll no longer be seen as a doormat. Instead, you’ll gain their respect and inspire their
learning to say no with purpose and poise will actually improve your status in the eyes of your friends, family members, and coworkers. You’ll no longer be seen as a doormat. Instead, you’ll gain their respect and inspire their trust.
suppose a coworker asks you to help her with a report, and points out that you’re an expert on the material. If appearing valuable is important to you, being identified as an expert will feel momentarily exhilarating. You’ll be inclined to reinforce that notion by agreeing to her request, even if doing so means putting your own responsibilities on the back burner.
helping people is a respectable thing to do. But helping people for the wrong reasons will only reinforce a bad habit that’ll eventually cause you to feel bitter and resentful.